Freaking out

Today I spoke to the transplant coordinator to see if they found out anything about a match.  She didn't have all the information yet, but it looks like there are some very good prospects.  She also told me that I have a tentative admission date of April 19th.  I felt like I was sucker punched when I realized how soon that is and I'm not remotely ready.  I thought that I had dealt with my emotions until...I got off the phone.  I put my head down and started crying.  All I could think is how much I don't want to do this again.  It's not fair!!  I already did this once in my life and I can't believe that I have to do it again.  I'm scared.  Really scared!!  I don't want to be locked up in a room again. I don't want to be sick again.  I don't want the fevers and diarrhea and anything else that this may bring. I don't want to shit in a hat.  I don't want to be constantly bored and lonely.  I don't want to shower with instructions.  I don't want to be far away from most of my friends and family.  I don't want the isolation from people and all the medication. It's just not fucking fair!!!  I already did all this shit with a good attitude and this time, I'm having a harder time.  I ultimately plan on being my badass self, I just don't feel like it right now.  I want to cry and be angry for a while.

This whole nightmare reminds me of my dad.  For those of you who don't know, my dad died a month after I turned 17 and a week before I began my senior year of high school.  I was kind of mad at him for a really long time.  I couldn't understand why he didn't tell Jesus that he needed to stay.  My dad had his first heart attack when I was 7 years old.  There were many additional heart attacks throughout the years.  My family watched my father get weaker with each new heart incident.  They didn't have all the advances in heart procedures that they have now and if this happened today he probably would have survived much longer.  He was 54 yrs old when he passed.  He did tell the story about leaving his body during one of his heart attacks and going through a tunnel and seeing a huge white light.  That's all I remember of the story.  About two years ago I ran into one of my father's closest friends, Joe.  Joe told me that the week before my dad passed, my mother called him and his wife to say goodbye to my dad.  Joe and his wife were in my dad's hospital room and my mom and Joe's wife, Pat went out for a cigarette.  Joe said to my dad, "Johnny, now is the time to make your peace with God".  My father responded that he already had and he wasn't afraid to die.  Joe told me that he thought of that conversation many, many times through the years.  Joe passed away on my birthday last year.  I hope and pray that he wasn't afraid to die either. 

I've realized through my illness and also getting ill at a young age, that my wonderful, loving father wasn't supposed to live any longer.  It wasn't his choice, just like me getting sick isn't my fault.  I know if he could have danced at my wedding (both of them) and met my son he absolutely would have.  I don't know if our lives have a blueprint that we help write before we are born or if God lets things happen because we all have free will and everything is connected or maybe a little bit of both.  I do know that I'm not mad at my dad anymore for dying.  I relate to him in so many ways.  Now I understand the emotions he went through (and never showed us) while he was facing his own mortality.  I know why he would get a little grouchy sometimes. I do the same thing.  I didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye to my daddy and I understand why he didn't want me to see him that way.  I was also really mad at God the first time I got sick.  I'm not mad at Him either.  I'm just trying to trust in God.  I'm going to be scared and cry when I need to and be brave and strong at other times.  Today is a big time crying day, but tomorrow will be better.  I'll get through this as gracefully as possible and think of my dad every step of the way.  He's a great example of an incredible human being!
Peace out peeps